My angel Jacob's birthday today

I posted earlier today, in hopes of trying to be normal, but today is my son Jacob's birthday. He is 4 years old today. I miss him so much. I wish I could see him blow out his candles today and tear open his presents, but he cannot. I just want to hold him so badly. I know I have my other children to be normal for, but days like today are so hard. He shouldn't have died, I just didn't know better. I thought I was doing what was right for him, what everyone always does, what the doctors recommend and schools insist upon. I was just trying to be a good mom, trying to keep him safe, and trying to keep him from getting sick. I didn't know that while trying to do that, I had a hand in losing him. It is something I will never forgive myself for. I should have known, but I didn't and now he is gone. I am so sorry Jacob, mommy loves you and will never forget you, I promise. And even on the days when it seems I am fine, and life is normal, it is NOT because you are not on my mind, it is because I HAVE to pretend to be normal, but I always think of you. When I see rain, I wish you could see it, when I hear a bird, I wish you could here it. When I look into your eyes in your pictures, I wish I could hug you. Mommy misses you Jake n bake, and I am so sorry I didn't save you.